IT'S A BLOODY CONSPIRACY!
by alwayswaitingforharry
Summary: We draged the Harry Potter crew on to our little talkshow so we can expose their deepest, darkest secrets! First Guest is Harry Potter


Title: It's A Bloody Conspiracy!  
  
Author: Tyler!  
  
Special Thanks to Aphy for Editing! (Aphy likes to edit. Aphy wants to go   
  
on an editing quest to ... SAVE THE WORLD FROM BAD EDITING! Erm ... little   
  
note, beware, spoilers for OoTP. *nod*)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Voice that sounds like Sean Connery: Live from the CIA Alien Testing   
  
facitity...  
  
Aphy: IT'S A BLOODY CONSPIRACY! *smiles proudly*  
  
*a few random people in the audience clap*  
  
*building resembles the court room in OoTP but in the middle is a couch on   
  
top of a trap door underneath…*  
  
*evil laughter echoes*  
  
Voice: *coughs and clears throat* Introducing the hosts of the show: Tyler,   
  
Aphy, and Mulder.  
  
Tyler: Hello everyone. I'm Tyler. ^_^  
  
Aphy: *points to self* Aphy.  
  
Mulder: *is playing with a rubix cube* I'm Mulder and--  
  
Tyler: Yes, yes that will do, no need to hear your life story. NOW SIT!   
  
*sits* Well, there have been some changes to the CIA building I see. Looks   
  
good.  
  
Mulder: We modified it to the needs of the Harry Potter fans. *looks proud*  
  
Tyler: Right ...now tell me why you're here again?  
  
Mulder: I was with the first IABC…so I guess I come with the set. Besides,   
  
Aphy kind of drags me along.  
  
Aphy: *nervous little laugh*  
  
Tyler: Okay. We all know why Aphy is here.  
  
Aphy: Hi everybody. I'm Aphy. *Queen-like wave*  
  
Tyler: Well, if you know nothing of IABC then let me give you a run down: we   
  
bring in--  
  
Aphy: Kidnap.  
  
Tyler: --your favorite Harry Potter characters and then we get them to admit   
  
all their darkest secrets. And all that other stuff too.  
  
Mulder: And if they don't give the answers that we want, we hit the button   
  
and send them to the VAMSTERS!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *coughs* But there   
  
is a chance for survival if the utilize the IABC pouch of items which   
  
includes a toothpick, a Lipton Ice Tea can, and a pickle!  
  
Tyler: And we know that there's nothing you can't do with a pickle!  
  
Aphy: Shouldn't we tell them what Vamsters are?  
  
Tyler: *humming random theme song * …What? Oh yeah…okay. aHEM. Deep in   
  
the sewers of the major Canadian cities live a group of Hamster Vampire   
  
hybrids that try to take over the world! The only way that these evil   
  
rodents can be stopped is by the Hampires! The good Vamsters! One more   
  
thing…the head Vamsters name just so happens to be VASTERMORT!  
  
All: GASP!  
  
Tyler: Yes…evil he is…many ... Ewok ... spies died to bring us this   
  
information...lame Star Wars Reference number ONE! HAHAHAHAHA! *is hit on   
  
the back by Aphy*  
  
Audience: o_o?  
  
Tyler: Well let's get to the ... HARRASSMENT! KAZEY! Bring in the Prisoner!  
  
Kazey: You know that this guy looks just like Dan Radcliff don't you?  
  
Tyler: No really? I was not aware of that.  
  
Aphy: Wow, I never knew that! REALLY?! Daniel Raddy-cliffey has spiffy   
  
hair.  
  
Mulder: ...  
  
*out comes Kazey, dragging a person in Hogwarts robes with a paper bag over   
  
his head; is thrown onto to the couch*  
  
Tyler: You can remove your bag now.  
  
Harry: *does so; horror stricken* Where am I?  
  
All: YOU'RE ON IT'S A BLOODY CONSPIRACY!  
  
Aphy: *manages to keep giggling to a minimum*  
  
Tyler: Were going to ask you some questions!  
  
Aphy: HI HARRY!  
  
Harry: Is this place safe? *looks for wand* Where's my wand?  
  
Mulder: We had to take it; can't let anyone have their head exploding, now   
  
can we?  
  
Audience: ABSOLUTLY NOT!  
  
Harry: Is Dumbledore for this?  
  
Tyler: 'Course.  
  
Audience member: Hello Harry!  
  
Harry: Hi.  
  
Audience member: ahem. I wanted to ask how you're feeling after the whole   
  
Sirius matter.  
  
Harry: *suddenly becomes a little teary-eyed* I'm just fine.  
  
*random girls scream*  
  
Tyler: *gives Harry a tissue* Please tell me you're over this Cho Chang   
  
thing. I mean, come on Harry! Haven't you been through enough?  
  
Harry: *thinks for a moment* I'm pretty sure it's all over. *shrug* It   
  
was a ...  
  
Aphy: Phase?  
  
Harry: Yeah.  
  
Mulder: Okay, Harry, if you were trapped in a pit with four Death Eaters,   
  
ten Vamsters, four Hampires, Ratboy, and flesh eating house elves with only   
  
a box of Every Flavor Beans, a flame thrower, a headless chicken, gasoline,   
  
and a six-pack of Mikes Hard Cranberry Lemonade and Jango Fett's rocket   
  
pack, how would you get out of the pit?  
  
Harry: Well, uh, first use Patronis on the death eaters, let the Hampires   
  
take care of the Vamsters, feed the dead chicken to the house elves, put the   
  
gas in the jetpack, grab the lemonade and the beans and fly out of there.  
  
Tyler: And yet it sounds so simple.  
  
Audience member: What do you think of all the fics out there saying that   
  
your mum and Snape had hot steamy sex in which you were the end result?  
  
Harry: *looks horrified* I-I-I ... I need to throw up now.  
  
Aphy: *pats him on the back* Ignore that last question. *evil glare to   
  
audience member* How's Quidditch going for you?  
  
Harry: *doesn't respond*  
  
Aphy: ...oh, all right. How's Draco doing?  
  
Harry: ...  
  
Aphy: What's your take on Hermione? I mean, she's one of your best friends   
  
and she's great an' all but ... is there something going on between her and   
  
Ron? Or could there be--  
  
Harry: Ron? No. I don't really think so. Actually, I really don't want   
  
to know. Hermione can go out with whoever she wants.  
  
Aphy: Even Draco?  
  
Harry: *eye twitches*  
  
Aphy: Sorry.  
  
Tyler: *looks down* I think it's time we send Harry back.  
  
Aphy: Yeah.  
  
Tyler: *press button*  
  
*floor underneath the couch with Harry disappears*  
  
Harry: O_O  
  
Aphy: BYE! *waves hand* See you soon!  
  
*thump*  
  
*squeals*  
  
Harry: *echoes* What's down here?  
  
Tyler: Random creatures that didn't make the cut for the ... HP books.  
  
Aphy: *nervous glance*  
  
*screams of horror from Harry*  
  
Aphy: *sings The Steward of Gondor to drown out Harry's attempts to escape*  
  
Tyler: That's all the time we have! BYE!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tyler: Soooooo…did Harry make it out okay?  
  
Mulder: *angered* Yes.  
  
Tyler: Hmmm, a death would have boosted our raiting.  
  
Aphy: *throws a frying pan at Tyler*  
  
Mulder: ^_^ Yeah. To bad our audience is now the walking dead.  
  
Tyler: Too bad indeed. Oh well. Merlin can bring them back to life for   
  
us. Looks like we're kidnapping Ron next. Hope our session with him will   
  
be longer.  
  
Tyler/Mulder: BYE! 


End file.
